I want to be a good friend

 I don't know how to handle rejection and my entire life has been an extended quest to reach perfection in a futile attempt to shirk any form of discontent or dislike from others. I don't know how to handle the fact that some people will just not like you, and there will be nothing to do about it. I don't know how to understand that people can just be bad, and that it wasn't because of my own shortcomings that they hurt me. Realistically, I do know these things. But I hate to accept them because it's too painful and now that im not in constant emotional agony i will never ever let go of being mostly content and happy with my life again. I want to believe people are inherently good, i DO believe people are inherently good but it always leads me to think that when something bad happens to me it's because of my own faults or shortcomings or something i did no matter how small that led to this. I like to act like im not upset and that sometimes shit just happens and its not my fault but on the inside it makes me want to go out to the middle of the ocean and jump in and sink to the bottom and maybe ponder life a bit more while im floating down and my vision is blacking out. Actually fuck all this garbled uselessly poetic mindfuck bullshit word vomit. honestly truly it makes me want to blow my fucking brains out and i can't handle not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me. Like literally just tell me what to fix and i will fix it things can still work out with us