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I want to be a good friend

I don't know how to handle rejection and my entire life has been an extended quest to reach perfection in a futile attempt to shirk any form of discontent or dislike from others. I don't know how to handle the fact that some people will just not like you, and there will be nothing to do about it. I don't know how to understand that people can just be bad, and that it wasn't because of my own shortcomings that they hurt me. Realistically, I do know these things. But I hate to accept them because it's too painful and now that im not in constant emotional agony i will never ever let go of being mostly content and happy with my life again. I want to believe people are inherently good, i DO believe people are inherently good but it always leads me to think that when something bad happens to me it's because of my own faults or shortcomings or something i did no matter how small that led to this. I like to act like im not upset and that sometimes shit just happens and its not my fault but on the inside it makes me want to go out to the middle of the ocean and jump in and sink to the bottom and maybe ponder life a bit more while im floating down and my vision is blacking out. Actually fuck all this garbled uselessly poetic mindfuck bullshit word vomit. honestly truly it makes me want to blow my fucking brains out and i can't handle not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me. Like literally just tell me what to fix and i will fix it things can still work out with us

Current Mood: anxious

Entry tags:

stupid

i know this is fucked up ok i wrote this like 4 days ago after taking 3 50mg edibles

I swear im not trying to make death a poetic thing but I’ve decided how I want to die. In the ocean. And I’ll sink to the bottom. And I’ll be able to look up at the surface, up at the sky. For a moment it will be beautiful and perfect. There will be nothing holding me. Then I will start to struggle for breath, and I will consider swimming back to the surface, but knowing I can’t swim, and it’s too far away now, I will give up. I will suffocate as black enters my vision, and my lungs fill with water as I let the last of the air molecules trapped in them loose. They float back to the surface, happy to escape, to be free as well. I hope whoever is watching from above looks fondly down upon me, and is able to share my euphoria in this moment, even if it is in the cruel way that gods look down upon humans; a cruel, malicious humor in seeing another human stupidly die. The water pressure hurts my nose and ears. There is no more oxygen entering my bloodstream, there hasn’t been for a while. My brain rapidly falls into a coma as my brain cells suffocate and die. The last connection releases a numbing spark of neurotransmitters. My ears and nose don’t hurt anymore. I’m really dragging this on aren’t I? Well that's it I guess. I sink to the bottom eventually. Three foot long nemertean worms and carnivorous starfish swarm my body. The nemertean worm has a snout like a harpoon which can be used to pierce a hole in the flesh and enter. The starfish start away on the surface, pushing out their stomachs through their mouths to feed. There are other people here too. Things grow very slowly here, which gives them incredibly long life spans. This leaves them all the time in the world to digest.

They will feed here throughout the summer, until all that remains is a skeleton, stripped bare.

Current Mood: okay

Entry tags:

poetry

however painful, i like to b alive.

Even though the sun burns
I’ll never stop looking

No matter how much it hurts
I’ll never close my eyes

I squint against the light

When I’m able to see again
The world is both too vivid and too dull

The sky is brilliant as always
And the sun is blinding
Scorching everything it touches
And blessing those it doesn't

I wave to passerby

letting out whoops and yells when they wave back

I hope this means as much to them

As it means to me

The acknowledgment of existence in the eyes of others

Is a gift beyond gratitude

I stand up

Licking the salt from my lips

I perch precariously where no one else dares

There are shouts of alarm and worry

But nothing can touch me

For in this moment

I truly feel free
Only the wind can touch me now

If illusions are illusions

It wouldn’t matter

If we don’t know any better

Nothing can prevent us from feeling

If I die I won't be upset
I've lived how I want
And if I stop
It won't be my problem anymore

Current Mood: confused

Entry tags:

dreams

i cant imagine dream interpretation actually means anything at this point

I was in a war or an army but I switched sides. I don’t know why. The new army was better but I shot someone in the nose by accident. It was just a small hole and he said it was okay. Something happened and the part of the dream where I switched sides repeated. I didn’t shoot the guy in the nose this time but it was harder to escape the original army I was apart of. The new army didn’t question my old uniform. I shared my old army’s secrets with them. I don’t know if it was the same dream but we all had to go In this huge stadium carved into the side of the mountain. We were given yellow shirts. There was a cave part at the top where a lot of us were hanging out instead of watching what was going on outside. It was me and my friends I think. I came out to watch the last few people come up the mountainside/up the stadium to their seats. One of them was jaemin and they kept firing things/magic at him and he kept going up the mountain as if nothing had happened and they were in awe. They stopped when he had to shuffle along to his seat because the ledge was small and didn’t want to knock him off. But there was this small gap in the ledge that went straight down and he jumped into it and everyone was like wtf ??? Then my POV changed and I was watching jaemin and some girl had fallen down the mountain side and nobody knew. He used magic so there was some slide made out of rock so she didn’t die when she fell and we all made it down to the bottom. But the girl fell In this pit of lava thing and jaemin went after her. I couldn’t see down there and the lava hole closed. When it reopened He came back up alone and I tried to ask where the girl was and then she was magically there idk. And jaemin was a golden dragon then when he came out of the lava for some reason but everyone thought it was normal. We somehow got back to that cave at the top and he was really tired/worn out I guess ? So I put a blanket on him and I was just sitting like taking care of him. And I was pointing out the entrance of the cave at my friend for some reason trying to make him feel better. And some assholes who for some reason were people I remember going to middle school with were there in the cave and they started saying shit about jaemin like it was for attention and some other stuff. And I got really mad and hit one of them and thought “why can’t I hit in real life I thought that only happened in dreams” but I fought both of them and something else happened and then i was in high school again ? And I couldn’t find my class so I went to the office and got a schedule then I went and found the first class (I was very late). And the teacher asks why I was late and I hold up some plushie they gave me in the office (???????) And hes like ok. And he gave me some random tests like throwing hot embers on me and when I didn’t react he was like wow the self control. And the classroom changed smth happened and it gets kinda fuzzy at this point but the last thing I remember is a pug telling me and some other person about how horrible the future was and why we gotta do something to stop it

Current Mood: anxious

Entry tags:

dreams

can i please have nice kpop dreams like everyone else instead of mudbaby stealing my mouth

i never remember my dreams they only confuse me and then leave before i can tell anyone what happened. but lately ive been having a lot of nightmares. some of them are just reiterating past trauma, just ptsd bullshit that makes my hands shake and then i feel empty for the rest of the day. however............ a lot of them have a recurring theme that centers itself around me being put in some situation that leaves me helpless. unable to help myself or ask others for help; i can't make them understand whats wrong, then i panic and wake up. lit rally stuff happens like that scene in the witch hunters hansel and gretel movie where the kid loses all her facial features because of the mudbaby gingerbread man taking them and running away. and im like trying to tell everyone i dont have a mouth like them but they cant hear me bc i cant talk. and im like guys i dont have eyes to see things like you do, but they dont know thats what im saying because again, i cant talk i have no mouth. or there will b a dream where i try to yell for help or out of anger, and suddenly my voice is just a whisper voice even though my mouth is back where its supposed to be. or i have crazy violent dreams. the last nice dream i had was a month ago

Current Mood: blank

Entry tags:

lyrics

ongoing lyrics masterpost that you shouldnt read too far into

first day of my life -bright eyes
this is the first day of my life
im glad i didnt die before i met you
but now i dont care, i could go anywhere with you
and id probably be happy

brand new city -mitski
if i gave up on being pretty i wouldnt know how to be alive

raven -mejibray

「生きててもいつか死ぬんだし

生きてたらいつか死ぬんだし

生きている時間の一瞬に

幸せを感じれたら良いじゃない」

trans: even though i’m alive, some day i’ll die

if i keep living, i’ll die someday

in the time i’m alive

shouldn’t i feel happiness?

beach life-in-death -car seat headrest

what should I do? (eat breakfast)

what should I do? (eat lunch)

what should I do? (eat dinner)

what should I do? (go to bed)

where can I go? (go to the store)

where can I go? (apply for jobs)

where can I go? (go to a friend's)

where can I go? (go to bed)

alligator skin boots -mcafferty

im cold to the touch
leap to my death

ill die for my friends

ill lie to the end

im cool to the touch

leap to my death

ill die for you all

ill die for my friends

green nail polish -told slant

you liked my green nail polish, and I liked your short black mullet

it wasn't love, but i don't know what to call it

you can kiss me just so you can read my texts every five minutes

and re read all the ones you sent

just to make sure that you meant them